Angrymermaid

So I went to see my lady Doc today. She was uber sympathetic...offered me a truckload of pills to control my anxiety and numb my cerebral function. I passed on the meds in favour of a referral to a psychologist to talk about how to control my stress and to explore issues with my mother and past life as a wart. Perhaps I should have taken the drugs...suddenly I'm equivocating. Doc says taking time off work isn't advisable...yet. She thinks I'll 'avoid' and likely never go back. Bitch is trying to kill me with aversion therapy.

I was a little sore from running yesterday...I'm always tempted to start back too far too fast...so I took today off. To distract me from my agitation Himself took me for a drive...well actually he threatened to run over me with the car if I didn't get my shit together...but it ended in a trip to Costco....which if you didn't know...is where thousands of plastic suburbanites go to die this time of year. I swear if I see one more nut-cracker Christmas ornament I'm going to chew my own wrist off.

 Conversations While Running Errands:

AM:  Why are you doing that with your face?

Himself: What?

AM: Contorting your face like that...what the hell are you doing?

Himself: Exercising. You know, keeping things tight...just in case.

AM:.....Just in case? Just in case what? 

Himself: I dunno...like if the face Olympics comes to Canada...I need to be ready.

Today was a little better. Ran four miles yesterday...ran four more today. Went to work. Didn't freak out. Hid in my office most of the day and played with data/wrote stoopid reports.

Anxiety might well be wholly responsible for me catching up on every piece of paper work I've been meaning to complete for the past 18 months...I suspect my VP will be thrilled by this new development regardless of my fragile mental status...she'll probably put it in my performance appraisal next month..."has gone completely bald and has unusual facial twitch...we haven't seen her in public in weeks...but employee of the month for completing 52,000 pieces of useless paperwork".

 The running has helped. Must consider this for future nervous breakdowns.

 Thanks for the support.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’ve been experiencing stress (read psychological trauma) at work over the past year and a half. A year ago when Himself became ill and was hospitalized for near-deathness I was forced to take stock of things. Unfortunately instead of channelling that ‘great life epiphany’ into something positive I channelled it into a really bad case of anxiety.

Months later I was convinced I was ‘just dealing’ with being anxious at work. Thought I had it in check and was fooling everyone. Wasn’t sleeping. Wasn’t eating. Wasn’t coming home on time. Wasn’t running. Wasn’t able to be productive. Was preoccupied…all.the.time. I don’t think Himself was catching on until a couple of weeks ago. In the middle of a meeting…a routine meeting I have every week…I had what I can only describe as the world’s worst panic attack. Having never had one before I’m speculating…but it felt like death and I had to run away. How dignified. I fell apart at home that evening and Himself started to worry.

Days later in a semi-normal conversation with a physician at work it happened again…and I thought I was dying…and I was mortified. Since then I have felt paralyzed to move outside my office. And I’m avoiding meetings. Today I’m avoiding work altogether. I haven’t even had the focus to blog recently. Himself assures me I’m not losing my mind…and I’m sure he’s right. But I haven’t the faintest notion what the hell is going on with me. This is perhaps what an early mid-life crisis feels like?

The things is, I’m terrified it’s not going to go away. Himself has been his usual supportive self and suggests getting back to basics will help…start running again…go back to see Yogini. But I still feel paralyzed. Who knew feeling anxious could be painful.

Anyhow…that’s why I’ve been absent. I’m a little off centre at the moment. I hope you’re all well.

Phew…good to be back. We…and by ‘we’ I mean ‘Big Health Care’ (think Big Auto/Big Petroleum/Big Pharma/Big Bunch of Ass Holes Deciding Big Self-Important Things)..have been engaged in a ‘Big Accreditation’. We go through this every three or four years and it’s essentially a self-indulgent exercise that the Execs get to gloat about at the end…and an exercise that for us administrators feels vaguely like being anally probed for weeks on end by very dull pieces of dynamite. So that’s where I’ve been…late evenings…limited running…limited contact with the living.

So I hope you all have been well. I have missed you. Bolder…in particular…my hat is off to you for your declaration. Well said.

Since we last spoke the world has continued to move along…and I’m now realizing how much I have missed. For instance who knew we had a Provincial election? What amuses me is that not only did we have an election…but we had an election wherein only one political party ran viable, living, mentally well candidates; the opposing Liberals ran…a dead guy, a guy who had a complete mental breakdown mid-election, two individuals hospitalized and suffering from cancer, and a party leader who failed to get elected in his own district. Consequently I was pleased to learn that the victorious Party…successfully won 80% of all seats. Which means…I live in a Province…in Canada…in the Free World…that has just elected a Majority Conservative Government…that has no official opposition. Two other opposing parties failed to maintain official party status…and don’t even qualify to wipe the Official Government’s collective partisan asses…let alone voice an opposing opinion. Conservative. Majority. No. Opposition. It’s no secret that I’m a left leaning liberal socialist…probably nearing in on Commie territory…really I don’t care if you screw dead cats in the privacy of your own home…but what upsets me more than anything is the lack of an opposing party…who elects that type of government? Canadians apparently…and people from Iran but that’s a different problem.

Well now I’m just worn out and simply can’t talk about running…though I will note I’m in the market for some new arctic running tights…cause it’s friggin’ cold here. Any suggestions?

I know how you have missed me…I know how I keep you up-to-date on all things cool and essential. So for your viewing pleasure I have included this educational video.

Kisses.

Going through an accreditation thingy at work...no time to sleep...no time to pee...no time to blog. So sorry. I'm not dead. Will post more later. Miss you guys lots...